Princess of the loving saviour.✝︎
It’s nearly the end of 20222. Where did the time go? We all began to think . It’s as if the wind came and suddenly went . That’s how I feel this year. It was the year I chose myself . I had no other option but to forgive myself . Forgive myself for allowing so much to happen to me over the years , forgive myself for my wrong doings and be forgiven before him. He met me right where I was and didn’t ignore my needs . I couldn’t keep going back to things that broke me hoping for different results . I was tired , worn out and lost . Everything I thought was working wasn’t . I needed guidance, I needed a mentor , I needed him .
What a profound year choosing me . I never felt selfish about deciding to put myself first . I was always pouring from an empty cup and left feeling depleted . Always the go to person that I could never go to . Giving my heart and soul to things just to feel wanted .
One of the biggest fears I’ve held on to for many years was the fear of not being loved . I learnt that in my soul care therapy . It all made sense . I was always trying to control every situation out of fear of it not going my way . Creating barriers over the years out of fear from grief, trauma and ptsd . Holding onto everything before it would slip and if I ever got an incling of something not going my way I would self sabotage . It was patterns and cycles I needed to break and I couldn’t do it on my own.
I read all the books , did all the exercises and listened to copious amounts of podcasts , seeking direction from evil things and steering far away from anything that had to do with medication. I was never one to do drugs. We know how it starts with one drink , turns to two and by 3 you’re starting to feel it and you remember that feeling for the next time you decide to drink and by then you’re getting addicted . Alcohol wasn’t my thing though. I got sick from a few drinks. I remember that hangover and how bad I always felt. I tried taking vitamins to help cure the hangovers , prepping my body to even enjoy a drink. I even did a liver cleanse so I could just enjoy a few drinks that next time. I even went as far as drinking “ gluten free and organic drinks” just so I could enjoy myself . That feeling you feel when you have an addictive personality will have you trying anything just to feel that numbing feeling once more.
Growing up with an older sister that’s six years older than me, I felt like I experienced drinking at 15 and feeling careful and comfortable around her and her friends and cousins . By the time I turned 18 everyone was much older and the bars that were fun were either closed or everyone was over partying . The few good friends I had were never into drinking much either, so partying and getting drunk was never exciting . Until much later, when life happens and we all go through things, we go for dinner to vent and by then a few drinks have gone by . It’s all it takes to spiral , it only takes a few . We tend to blame our past or our upbringing or play the blame game on others and refuse to take accountability. So a few drinks turn into “ let’s go to the club” , that peer pressure. "You’re so boring" just have a drink , what’s wrong , loosen up . It’s all these underlying jokes and remarks where you feel you need to drink in order to have fun or tolerate certain people . Well, those drinks got me into countless times of trouble and trauma that I’m just now healing a decade later.
We fall into traps , it’s always work. It was stressful. I have no money but I’ll buy a bottle of wine. It’ll fix my problems for a moment and then you become depressed the next day from buying it when you know you don’t have money , your situationship stopped texting you back , you weren’t invited out , or you have bills that need to be paid . The debt piles up , but let’s buy a bottle , let’s go out , so you add it to credit cards that are about to be maxed out , just to feel that feeling of numbness.
I say all this to say no one wants to heal because it takes work and it takes leaving a life you had or were trying to live up to for a life of freedom and happiness . These self-destructive patterns we fall into only just piles on the problems that are already inside of us. We just Band-Aid it in hopes it will eventually go away . That saying “ this too shall pass” is not something you should live by . We are conditioned to believe things will just go away when that isn’t the case , it will sink deeper into the depths of your being , and no relationship , job , or money can fix it , until you decide to acknowledge your wounds and fears and release them .