Failure is not final.

I’m currently reading Joyce Meyers Novel “ Living Courageously “ you can face anything , just do it afraid . Let me tell you how profound Chapter 12 is (Fear of being inadequate) speaking right to me in this present moment. I have failed numerous times . In jobs , family/ friends ,in business , relationships and with God . In 2015 my sister and I were talking business , just after we had lost our father we wanted to do something that both resonated with us which was kids fashion and home decor . After many talks and often times refusing the idea “ maybe this isn’t a good time” recession had just taken place , we didn’t know what we were doing , there were some competitors but not enough that steered us away. So we planned , prepped , scoping out different fabrics , different apparel items online , speaking with numerous wholesalers . Gaging different companies and prices . We both had the vision but not enough faith . After getting all the supplies , fabrics , apparel pieces and store front items to display the pieces we launched . We hosted a few intimate home parties , where we gave the option for customers to shop from the comfort of their own home over a nice spread. Mingling with girl friends and catching up . From imitate parties we decided pop up shops whereever they were hosted in Edmonton .piling on the debt but not seeing the revenue we became feared based . Fear of losing it all , fear of not paying off this debt and our clientele and viewership were not engaging or showing enlightened support to keep us afloat. We had every excuse and I myself didn’t see the vision anymore , forcing my sisters hand to close it . The marketing wasn’t there , we were spending more than we were making and didn’t have the knowledge we needed to run the company . When I look back , it was us , we were fearful and that caused everything to close . We didn’t hold on in hopes it will take off , I always held on to the thought maybe we can turn this around . Life happened . We failed .

Job interview after job interview always turned away . There was always someone with more experience then me . I went back to selling luxury items with whatever money I had , often selling items from my home to make enough to purchase designer things to then flip it and make great income . It wasn’t enough and I failed .

So I felt a push to go back to school, I have a hard time sitting and hoping things will magically appear before me . I was determined to try something different , whatever wasn’t working I needed to fix .I’ve always struggled in school and even after . College was always tough. I wasn’t the average learner . I really had to absorb the information given in theory and clinicals . Often having test anxiety and not being assertive enough in what I was capable of doing I let fear get in the way . Many times failing tests over and over . Certain high intensity programs you were competing with many other students and if you didn’t reach 80% you got removed from the entire program . Always have that fear of being removed I always tried my hardest even if it took me longer than most students to complete projects. papers and clinical testing on manicans for nursing . I tried various different medical programs passing all them thank God. However I didn’t know if nursing was the right fit so the next best paying job that still was in the health field was dental assistant . 2016 was a year that was very hard for me mentally with tons of issues in my personal life . But I can’t blame it all on that , I didn’t try hard enough , I didn’t study as much as I should and my attention wasn’t fully in it . I failed the 6th module and it wasn’t even on dentistry is was on healthy and safety . Go figure . With being a highly competitive program there was no 2nd chances . How defeating I felt being told I was not moving forward . Getting out of class feeling like a failure was only a fear based mindset and not of God . I didn’t know that at the time but looking back I now see it . Those feelings of being rejected and overlooked left me feeling hopeless . I never gave up , I went on to continue pushing my side businesses hoping things would turn around . We switched business logos and incorporated home decor items in hopes people would purchase the curated items that were made in our home . It didn’t work.

In 2017 I got baptized and gave my life to Christ . I felt I needed this at that season in my life . I engaged back in my church , often studying the word and felt propelled to worship him in my everyday life .

I still needed work , I was failing time and time again . I said that’s it I’m gonna keep applying at different clinics and hospitals hoping someone calls me back for an interview . I finally went back to one of my old clinic jobs , forever thankful cause we needed to keep afloat .I still felt fearful of so many things .

It’s in this to say I have failed so many times in my life and that isnt even the end . 2018 I was fired from a clinic that I was so honoured and appreciative to receive . I was fired from a fertility clinic without reason . I was one of many that was let go . Caught in the cross fire of a complete mess of a company but God removed me before I quit . Gods hand has always been in my life and I am always directed back to him . I just didn’t see it . With yet again feeling like a failure at something I loved doing with my whole heart I just didn’t appreciate it enough and it was a negative environment and one I wanted to leave but was afraid to . It was a domino effect after that , failing at different things , releasing blogs and going back to my small businesses . I had no vision I just wanted to feel worthy . All along it’s in God and not in things or people . I’m learning to stop being fearful . “ For God has not given us a spirit of fear , but of power & love ,& a sound mind .” 2 Timothy 1:7